Fair's Fair

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?'

“Allowing for all variant perceptions of fairness, it’s a toss-up between Tongar, a rainforest pygmy, and a gerbil in Gateshead called Ralph.'

“I meant, fairest human Caucasian female by prevailing Western standards.'

“Jessica Alba.'

“Apart from her, obviously.'

“Megan Fox.'

“Narrow the parameters further. Who’s the fairest person in this palace?'

“If you cleaned her up a bit, that scullery maid Gretchen—'

“In this bloody room!'

“That would be me.'

“And if I heave this bedpad through you?'

“No!'

CRASH! Tinkle, tinkle.

“So it’s me. Thought as much.'

Richard Martinus Merits